What leads me to Visions...

Whenever I find myself sinking into a dark mood, I try to surround myself with things that feed my soul. Spending time with God, and my two boys is always my first go to but something that always moves me and lifts my spirits is art and beauty. I know I've mentioned this before. Last night I found myself slipping into a funk. We had gone out to take some photos of Jax at sunset and I really wanted to be in some of the photos. This is REALLY hard for me. I hate being on the other side of the camera and always have, especially post pregnancy but I really want to be in photos with my son. As I had feared, the result had me in a sour mood. I tried really hard not to get snippy with Todd or be too hard on myself. I can be very self judging and sink into very self destructive and hateful thoughts towards myself. It usually just spirals down from there. I think I did ok for the most part though. I was a little quiet for the rest of the evening but tried not to allow myself to worry so much about my weight or the way I looked.


Instead I put on a dvd of some inspiring photogs and sunk myself into my passion. I spent the WHOLE night researching for my next editorial shoot and found some AMAZING photogs that I really admire. I am never satisfied with myself as a photographer (which in my opinion is a good thing!) and know that my potential is even greater than where I am at right now. It's frustrating to be held back by a budget. The camera industry is ever changing and with it comes equipment upgrades which we would really like to do. I was online drooling at an 85mm 1.4..... *sigh* someday. I can't even imagine being able to drop $2k on a lens! I try not to be jealous of those who can. Haha. In the mean time thank heavens for borrowlenses!

I stayed up until 7am having a blast just looking at things online for inspiration. It made my heart happy. I have so many dreams that I feel are just stuck. I want so badly to be one of those photographers that has the amazing lil boutique studio and takes dozens of photos of cute lil faces and families and then have my boudoir studio as well. It's so frustrating to know exactly what you want but be unable to make it happen. Hmmmm. I sense God is trying to teach me something. While it would be wonderful to be more financially stable than we are right now, money is not what drives me to do photography. So I've decided to just let go and do what I love even if the business isn't booming. Don't get me wrong... we do have business! It's just not enough to support us fully... yet.

So I am going to just have fun and create up all these fun shoots in my head and make them happen! I'm always wishing I had the client who was willing to be as vintage/chic/eclectic as my visions, so I've decided to just create it myself! I love clients who step out of the box and are bold in their style. I'm hoping I can inspire some friends to come play along with me and play "dressup" in my photoshoots. I wish I had a live in hair and makeup person that just wanted to play dress up with me. I'll have to find someone who wants to just play as much as I do and not worry about money or getting payed... which is so hard to find these days! Anyone interested?? Haha. Taking applications! =D

So even though I don't have the camera or lens I need or want at the moment I will make do and be thankful with what I have and still move forward! I know God made me to do this and I will do it as long as he allows and I hope to be able to bless people with my work. I have some exciting things planned for Gardner Photography in the next few months! 

Enjoy some pics I took of my lil man and his daddy!

Katie

P.S. For the fam that's not on facebook.... Jax learned how to say Dada! =)